Thursday, June 12, 2008

A Personal Dilemma

My ex-boyfriend D is breaking up with his girlfriend. They have been together for about three years now, and they are breaking up because she is moving to Boston to attend Harvard. I have asked him why he does not follow her to Boston, and he has told me his reasons.
1. She doesn’t stay for him.
2. He didn’t feel invited.

Since D and I broke up, I have repeatedly had to set boundaries with him. D is a very complicated person, who believes that he feels the correct emotions for everyone. He continues to invalid any emotion that I may have explained that I have. D is always right about everything no matter what—even if I am saying that I do not like something he is telling me that I do.

See D believes that by saying vulgar things about my breasts that this is a compliment, and instead of being offended, I should be joyous. I should respond with a comment about the size of his package and so on and so forth. He also hides behind a text message.

I believe that some people would imagine D as an oversized, biker/construction worker, with no education, but no D is actually an averaged size, over sexed boy, and he even has a nice face, smile, and teeth. He looks more like the boy next door. In high school, they called him, “Baptist Boy,” and his parents were missionaries for the first part of D's life.

In high school, D taught me to think outside the box. He questioned why I believed what I believe, and he made me justify my thoughts and feelings. I believe that D made me an overall better person. He also taught me about sex. What I know (what little I know) is all from D. Everything from kissing to erections. I know it all from D. Truthfully, I am no more experience sexually than the average middle school student these days, and D and I did not have “sexual intercourse,” but for the first and only time in my life I felt sexy. I knew how to turn a man-boy on.

D has begun texting me his desires to sexually conquest me, and a part of me wonders if I should not just give in because D is the only guy who has every expressed an interest in sexually conquesting me. But, somewhere the smart part of me (the part that is made of my sister, mother and best girl friends) begs me to reconsider. These women in my mind and in my life constantly remind me that I am beautiful and that I will find someone who wants me because they love me, and not just because they have had me before.

One of my best girl friends has told me that she knows that if I have sex with someone I do not love then I will regret it. I believe it, and it sounds like advice I would give. I know that D does not love me because he is asking this from me. I know that I don’t love D like I used to, and I know that if I had sex with D then I would make myself believe I did love him. Then where would we be? Nowhere that I want to be. Nowhere that I deserve to be.

Yet here I am. Lonely and under sexed. Single and afraid. Perfectly aware that the pool has no water in it, and yet still considering diving head first from the diving board.


Katy said...

Wow. How do you do this honesty-while-blogging thing?

I agree with the mentioned friend. Although I, too, would consider myself undersexed.

(Ahem, can you ever be, um, OVERsexed? I guess you probably can if you're Lindsey Lohan or something. Thoughts?)

Lel said...

No. Noo. And, finally, nooooo.

You're clearly, uh, a lovely pair of Jimmy Choos. He's a secondhand WalMart knapsack. Both have their merits and their purposes. But, only a crazy would put them together in the same outfit.

Possibly I've been fixating on Sex and the City overmuch. But I stand by the sentiment.