Thursday, June 20, 2013

On Emailing with a Knucklehead

I want to apologize ahead of time because this post will have some foul language and even more offensive terrible typos and grammar.  The foul language is not that of the writer, but that of the subject the writer is writing upon. 

Online dating is full of crazy people, and sometimes those crazy people email you. For example here is the text of an email I received today:

Fuck off fat girl. I hope U find a psycho, whose picture U happen to like, that gives U an STD, fucks one of Ur pets and does long and terrible damage to Ur self esteem. How can a fat girl judge others based on how they look? Do U like it when guys can't look past the fact that Ur fat? Well bitch, treat others the way Ur fat ass would like to b treated. And do what U say U will do fat girl.

In response to this knucklehead I said something about how I like when a guy talks mean to me.  I expressed how turned on I was.  He loved this because he is crazy, and he told me that a few days ago he had responded to my profile online and that I had not sent him a response. He went on to demand a picture from me which he felt owed because he had sent me a picture previously.  I refused and I suggested that he find a therapist that he can trust.  He was not complimented by this suggestion, and he suggested in very crude language that I should die while performing fellatio on African American gentleman.

My response:
I mean maybe it's my 80th wedding anniversary, I am giving my lovely black man a hummer, and I die. That wouldn't be so bad.

Obviously, this poor person is a deranged individual who probably is also a hoarder, but hopefully not the kind with animals because gross.   I feel bad for this guy though because it’s clear that he so desperately is seeking human connection.  This dude makes me sad.  Okay. Okay. I am not going to bring him home to live with Hermione and me or anything, but just the idea that people are so alone that they would email someone all day saying terribly mean things is heartbreaking.

I receive so emails a day from dudes in response to my personal ads on Craigslist, and many I don’t respond to at all.  I try to send most of the men an email telling them I appreciate their response, but I don’t think we are compatible.  But it’s all based mostly on a picture and a short blurb about themselves.  Some guys I like from the blurbs and the picture, and some guys I don’t. 

This is not the first email I have gotten like this, and it probably won’t be the last.  It is the first time I engaged in a conversation.  I guess today I just felt like seeing what was down the rabbit hole, and it wasn't that great.  Every girl who has ever rejected him was written to in that email to me today. 

I am blessed.  I am blessed to have people who I can call friend, and blessed to be called friend.  I am blessed to know that I am loved and wanted.  I belong somewhere, and people notice when I am not around.  And someday I will have a black man to perform fellatio on, and die with his quivering member in my mouth.

Monday, June 10, 2013

On Using Craigslist for Dating

A few months ago I was sitting in my therapist’s office complaining that I cannot get dates, and she said something insane.  She told me that she wanted me to create an ad on Craigslist to meet people.  I asked her if she wanted me to get murdered, and she told me that she had met her fiancĂ© on Craigslist. She also denied that she wanted me to be murdered. We commiserated over having tried dating sites like Ok Cupid or eHarmony only to be disappointed with the results.  She has a master’s degree, and all people with master’s degrees are sane individuals, so I sat down and I wrote my first ad.

Here it is:
I am looking for a passionate and evocative relationship with a man. I want to be in a relationship where I feel profoundly appreciated, desired, and sexy. I am very serious about commitment, and will always want to know how my partner is feeling about the relationship without any guessing games. I am crazy committed to my family and friends, and any man I date will need to fit in there - happily. Too make it simple - I am very fun, but a lot of work. I love to laugh, and believe that laughter needs to be an essential part of any relationship.

This ad was a failure, but not because I didn’t get any responses.  I did.  I got about a thousand, but because it gave people the impression that I wanted sex.  The reason is because I used the words “passion” and “evocative.”  These words are sex related apparently, but as a novice I just thought they sounded straight forward and honest.  I do want an evocative and passionate relationship, but I also am not going to jump into bed with a dude on the first date.  The above ad produced interesting emails such as one from this guy who went only by his initials which makes it difficult for me to blog about him, but I am going to call him “T.”  In the end “T,” and I did not go on any physical dates, and this was mostly because in his emails he described himself as a sensual man who wanted to make love to me on a sailboat.  He was also disappointed when I told him that we would not be having sex soon into the relationship because he said that we might be in Napa Valley and would want to explore each other physically. 

“T” was only the beginning of my fun with the whole Craigslist dating.  I only went out with one guy from the ad above, but it did not work out because he spent most of the date unknowingly listing the things he hated which included some immediate family members.  He was actually a really nice guy, but he never contacted me again.  So, I guess he ended up hating me.

What has surprised me about the Craigslist dating is how habitual it has become for me.  It’s like an instant ego booster to post a personal, and within an hour have men wanting your attention.    I have gotten better at screening as well, and I have gotten better at writing the ads.  What has not gotten easier is the going on the date with a guy, and realizing that even though y’all have been emailing and texting when you meet in person that chemistry just wasn't there.  It’s daunting to think that there are still so many ads to write, so many emails to read, and so many dates to go on until I meet someone I might want to go on a 3rd or more dates with.

But until then there is always the random penis emails I sometimes get.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I'm Back and I'm 30!

When reading the title of this post make sure to make jazz hands and in a sing-song voice say,   “I’m back and I’m 30!”  You’ll like it.  I promise.

According to this blog it’s been since 2008 since I last wrote a blog post, and from the looks of the post it was a cheat anyway where I just posted pictures of my furry companion Hermione.  Since 2008, I discovered Twitter, and within Twitter lies a world where my one to two sentence ramblings are sufficient and appreciated by my 138 followers, and it seemed in a world full of blogs – who would want to read mine.

But I’m 30 now, and I believe I have so much to share.  And when a girl turns into a lady it’s a beautiful and easy process.  One day you go to sleep a girl and the next day you wake up a beautiful and confident woman who knows what she wants.  Actually all of that was a lie, and I only wrote it so that I could seem Hollywood-esque.  Getting older is more like dragging something heavy and bulky through a deep snow.  It’s awkward, it’s sweaty, it’s painful, and you feel stupid. 

At the same time, getting older is awesome, and maybe it’s really only your 20s when you’re dragging around baggage that isn’t yours, wondering why you brought it.  Since turning 30, I have started leaving all that baggage that belonged to someone else behind. I want to start writing about it because I have started having these crazy adventures, and I am in love with my life. 

I promise to write here.  I promise to write about my adventures in dating, in therapy, in living alone, in visiting my family, but most of all I promise to just write.  My old posts are up still, but I have no idea what I want this blog to even look like.  Write now it’s just the template “simple,” and that just feels right (write. GET IT?).

Feel free to read here if you want, but also feel free not to.  I’m not the boss of you.